The New York Shock Exchange is Victorious!

New York Shock Exchange vs Pioneer Valley Dirty Dozen
Kendall Park Roller Rink, NJ

Co-ed derby action took place on Sunday, April 29, 2007 when the New
Jersey Dirty Dames league hosted an alternating Men's/Women's bout
with two twenty minute periods for each division. The Men took to the
rink first. New York City premiered the newly formed all male New York
Shock Exchange. They were challenged by the men from Pioneer Valley's
Dirty Dozen who hail from Western Massachusetts. Even though the
Dirty Dozen's roster was closer to a ½ Dozen, the 7 men from Pioneer
Valley skated with the force of 12. Both teams took to the rink
enthusiastically, aggressively, and ready for a barbaric fight. The
bout proved to be brutishly physical and a rollicking scream to

The first jam got us rockin' with team captains, Jonathan R from the
NYSE and Dr. Spankenstein from PVRD, lining up to jam. Both teams
looked ready for blood. Dr. Spankenstein got off the line first,
burned through the pack, and picked up lead jammer. Jonathan R raced
behind him but only managed to pick up 3 points before Spankenstein
picked up 4 and called it off. By the second jam, male bodies were
a-flyin'. The slick and calm stylings of Gordon Gecko from NYSE took
on Bazooka Joe. What happened next is a blur. Crash Daily of PVRD
was hurtled through the air as pivot Jonathan R took out the PVRD
jammer and then kept him locked in the pack. Gecko shut Bazooka Joe
out 12 to 0. The NYSE would hold the lead for the rest of the bout.

Snausage of NYSE and Crash Daily had an early pile up in the next jam.
Snausage even sent Ginger Snap, of Gotham Girls Roller Derby, who was
busy looking fabulous in a new lace up dress and doing a smashing job
announcing for the bout, airborne into the announcer's table. A prior
injury flared up for Snausage and he was forced to take himself out
for the rest of the game.

Jonathan R and the Davy Jones heated up the next jam. The pack was
chaos but Jonathan R moved through, without effort or a scratch, to
get lead jammer. The bout intensified even further as NYSE's
Assistant Captain, Darth Invader, took out the amazing Dr.
Spankenstein who quickly recovered and got out of the pack. Jonathan
R called off the jam in the second pass for a quick 4 points before
Spankenstein could score.

The sixth jam featured the wily Rinkworm of NYSE making his jamming
debut by taking big hits from the Rev and Dr. Spankenstein of PVRD.
He was sent soaring and smacked back down to the rink repeatedly, but
the Worm would not let up. His perseverance amazed the captive
audience as he picked himself up time and time again. Davy Jones
skated strong and outscored him 4 to 0.

Jonathan R jammed next and continued to slice and weave. After
leaving opposing jammer, Bazooka Joe, in the pack wondering what
happened, Jonathan R, literally, took a flying leap to the top of the
pack and called off the jam for another 4 to 0 victory. The first
half finished with a wallop when Slopshire Slasher sent Bazooka Joe
out of bounds while Darth Invader held him from getting through the
pack. Gordon Gecko showed off to the crowd by throwing the shocker
hand signal while the Rev and Darth Invader went down together. The
crowd roared in enjoyment when Darth Invader took down Bazooka Joe
and, not a second later, Gordon Gecko took down Bazooka Joe AGAIN to
punctuate the end of the half. At the buzzer, it was Shock Exchange
58, Dirty Dozen 32.

Pioneer Valley's Dirty Dozen would not give up and started the 2nd
half with impressive vigor. Even though PVRD was skating with only 7
skaters, their energy was dynamic and unruly. Jammers, Gordon Gecko,
Rink Worm, Wolfgang Von Stomp and Jonathan R, continued to jam and
shred their way through the second half with the incredible support
staff of Shock Exchange blockers, MotorPsycho, PsychoBilly, T-Stop
Tornado, Slopshire Slasher, Patrick Bateman, Jefferee, Maulin' Brando,
Darth Invader, Ghetz Moore, Brawlin' Oats, and
Wyatt Trash who all skated willfully and aggressively.

Tensions heated up to a boiling point midway through the second half
as Crash Daily continued to give and receive devastating retaliation
hits. Slopshire Slasher managed to knock Crash to the floor and, as
Crash got back on his feet, jammer Rinkworm gave him a full speed
shoulder tackle. Crash Daily fell to the floor again, lunged, and
grabbed Rinkworm's legs out from under him. The audience howled in
excitement as Rinkworm retaliated but, on the brink of a brawl,
referee Buster Cheatin' (of Gotham Girls Roller Derby) maintained
control by yanking Rinkworm off. Crash was promptly ejected while
Rinkworm was given a major. The Gotham Girls Roller Derby girls sat
on the sidelines screaming expletives and readied themselves to beat
up anyone who dared to mess with the NY boys.

Two jams later Gordon Gecko scored a game high of 16 points in one jam.
Pivot Jonathan R led a relentless squad of NYSE blockers to stop
jammer Bazooka Joe, struggling on despite visible fatigue, from ever
breaking through the pack. By this point in the second period the
NYSE had outscored the Dirty Dozen 43 to 15.

As the bout neared the final 5 minutes, and penalties accumulated, a 2
lap match race between Jonathan R and Dr. Spankenstein occurred.
Jonathan R won the match race with inhuman speed. The bout continued
in a blur of pile-ups that widened the point margin. After the
hard-hitting Rev was ejected for unsportsmanlike behavior, the Dirty
Dozen were left with only 5 skaters remaining. Despite being unable
to make any substitutions, they pressed on and finished strong. Heavy
blocking from Shockers, Slopshire Slasher, Jeferee, and Darth Invader
continued to keep the unwilling-to-give-in PVRD team behind leaving
the final score at New York Shock Exchange 109 and Pioneer Valley
Dirty Dozen 51.

The New York Shock Exchange would like to thank the New Jersey Dirty
Dames for organizing and hosting this legendary event and to congratulate the
Pioneer Valley's Dirty Dozen for putting up such an unbelievable
fight. The women of the New Jersey Dirty Dames, Pioneer Valley Roller
Derby, Gotham Girls Roller Derby, numerous other East Coast flat track
leagues, and fans alike welcomed male roller derby with screams of
support making the historical evening unforgettable.

By Raggedy Animal
With Additional Editing by the NYSE

No comments: